7 rules to become a master of interpersonal relationships
Be a rays-of-sunshine experience for others
If you want to move up the ranks of masterful communication, you have to watch what you say to others. Not just in the showpieces of communication such as a presentation, a memo, or a meeting, but in everyday interaction. Learn these 7 rules and you can quietly and unobtrusively become a master of interpersonal relationships.
1. Be kind. No matter what you say or how you say it, at bottom your communication will always reveal your true thoughts and attitudes. As such, you always have two choices. You can communicate from a standpoint of love or from one of fear. When your communication is laced with sarcasm, blame, threat, anger, anxiety, worry, and control, you are essentially communicating fear. When your communication is laced with respect, appreciation, acceptance, joy, delight, wonder, and acceptance, you are essentially communicating love. If you don’t quite understand the difference, there is an easy way to communicate love not fear: always be kind.
“Words are but pictures of our thoughts.” (John Dryden 1631 – 1700)
2. Be aware of your effect on others. We often use language to criticize and attack others. Some people are masters of doing this in disguise; others do it openly. For many, communication is a battle that they have to win and words are their chief weapons of war. Harsh words can cut people deep and leave their scars for days if not years. That’s why the mark of the true communicator is to know what effect their words have on others and to adjust them accordingly.
“Some words are like rays of sunshine, others like barbed arrows, or the bite of a serpent. And if hard words cut so deep, how much pleasure can kind ones give?” (Sir John Lubbock 1834 – 1913)
3. Emphasize the positive. Really masterful communication doesn’t just depend on getting your message across or even clarifying what someone else is trying to say to you. It goes much deeper. Great communicators leave people feeling better than they did. They said something of value to the other person. Or they appreciated what the other person was saying to them. This happens when the communication isn’t just about the words; it’s about the people.
“There is a subterranean emotional economy that passes amongst all of us. In every interaction, we can make people feel better or worse.” (Daniel Coleman)
4. Don’t assume you’ve been understood. The history of relationships is littered with the history of misunderstood communications. A word gone awry here, a meaning missed there: they all add up to distorting your message and being mis-received.
The story is told of the teacher who handed out a set of worksheets to the pupil at the front of her class with the words, “Please pass these around”. She then turned her attention to the next topic. A few minutes later, she looked up to see the pupil at the back of the room sitting with all the worksheets wondering what to do with them.
As Stephen Covey reminds us, “First, seek to be understood; then understand.”
5. Know when to shut up. If you’ve ever attended a workplace meeting, you’ll know how hard it is to say nothing. Many people attend business meetings with the sole intention of talking, even if it isn’t relevant, even if the point has already been made. Talking is a way to impress. As a result, many meetings waste time and are unproductive. The best communicators are those who are secure enough to admit when they have little to say or little to add. They know when to shut up.
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, where X is work, Y is play and Z is keep your mouth shut.” (Albert Einstein 1879 - 1955)
6. Don’t interrupt. If you’ve ever eavesdropped on a conversation between two people, you’ll probably have noticed that, instead of there being a progression of ideas building one on top of the other, most people talk over one another. It resembles a contest more than a dialogue. It is rare to see people listening with openness and non-judgment until the other person has stopped speaking. And even rarer to hear people asking for clarification and help with understanding. But holding back while you listen to others is the mark of the real communications expert.
“There is no such thing as conversation. It is an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that’s all.” (Rebecca West)
7. Don’t gossip. Gossip is a particularly pernicious form of communication. It is idle, often indulged in merely to pass the time, and serves no real purpose other than to make ourselves feel better at the expense of others. If you work with others who like to gossip, simply learn the trick of disengagement: don’t reply, don’t be drawn in, and never do it yourself.
“Great minds think and talk about ideas. Average minds think and talk about situations. Little minds think and talk about other people.”
Working on improving your communications is a broad-brush activity. You have to change your thoughts, your feelings, and your physical connections. That way you can break down the barriers that get in your way and start building relationships that really work. Communicate with others like rays of sunshine, not poisoned arrows.
Eric Garner is one of the foremost leaders in management and personal development with a personal guarantee to make you a better manager, trainer, and learner. His company, ManageTrainLearn, runs corporate training programmes in the UK and since 2002 has published a website at www.managetrainlearn.com that provides a wide range of exclusive digital learning products.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Fifty Success Habits
Habits of successful people....
1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.
2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.
3. They are solution focused.
4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will
find them.
5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.
6. They ask the right questions - the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.
7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.
8. They don't blame (what's the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).
9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximize their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.
10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.
11. They align themselves with like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team. They create win-win relationships.
12. They are ambitious; they want amazing - and why shouldn't they? They consciously choose to live their best life rather than spending it on auto-pilot.
13. They have clarity and certainty about what they want (and don't want) for their life. They actually visualize and plan their best reality while others are merely spectators of life.
14. They innovate rather than imitate.
15. They don't procrastinate and they don't spend their life waiting for the 'right time'.
16. They are life-long learners. They constantly work at educating themselves, either formally (academically), informally (watching, listening, asking, reading, student of life) or experientially (doing, trying)... or all three.
17. They are glass half full people - while still being practical and down-to-earth. They have an ability to find the good.
18. They consistently do what they need to do, irrespective of how they are feeling on a given day. They don't spend their life stopping and starting.
19. They take calculated risks - financial, emotional, professional, psychological.
20. They deal with problems and challenges quickly and effectively, they don't put their head in the sand. They face their challenges and use them to improve themselves.
21. They don't believe in, or wait for fate, destiny, chance or luck to determine or shape their future. They believe in, and are committed to actively and consciously creating their own best life.
22. While many people are reactive, they are proactive. They take action before they have to.
23. They are more effective than most at managing their emotions. They feel like we all do but they are not slaves to their emotions.
24. They are good communicators and they consciously work at it.
25. They have a plan for their life and they work methodically at turning that plan into a reality. Their life is not a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes.
26. Their desire to be exceptional means that they typically do things that most won't. They become exceptional by choice. We're all faced with live-shaping decisions almost daily. Successful people make the decisions that most won't and don't.
27. While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.
28. They have identified their core values (what is important to them) and they do their best to live a life which is reflective of those values.
29. They have balance. While they may be financially successful, they know that the terms money and success are not interchangeable. They understand that people who are successful on a financial level only, are not successful at all. Unfortunately we live in a society which teaches that money equals success. Like many other things, money is a tool. It's certainly not a bad thing but ultimately, it's just another resource. Unfortunately, too many people worship it.
30. They understand the importance of discipline and self-control. They are strong. They are happy to take the road less travelled.
31. They are secure. They do not derive their sense of worth of self from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.
32. They are generous and kind. They take pleasure in helping others achieve.
33. They are humble and they are happy to admit mistakes and to apologize. They are confident in their ability, but not arrogant. They are happy to learn from others. They are happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.
34. They are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.
35. They keep themselves in shape physically, not to be mistaken with training for the Olympics or being obsessed with their body. They understand the importance of being physically well. They are not all about looks, they are more concerned with function and health. Their body is not who they are, it's where they live.
36. They have a big engine. They work hard and are not lazy.
37. They are resilient. When most would throw in the towel, they're just warming up.
38. They are open to, and more likely to act upon, feedback.
39. They don't hang out with toxic people.
40. They don't invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.
41. They are happy to swim against the tide, to do what most won't. They are not people p leasers and they don't need constant approval.
42. They are more comfortable with their own company than most.
43. They set higher standards for themselves (a choice we can all make), which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.
44. They don't rationalize failure. While many are talking about their age, their sore back, their lack of time, their poor genetics, their 'bad luck', their nasty boss and their lack of opportunities (all good reasons to fail), they are finding a way to succeed despite all their challenges.
45. They have an off switch. They know how to relax, enjoy what they have in their life and to have fun.
46. Their career is not their identity, it's their job. It's not who they are, it's what they do.
47. They are more interested in effective than they are in easy. While the majority look for the quickest, easiest way (the shortcut), they look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.
48. They finish what they start. While so many spend their life starting things that they never finish, successful people get the job done - even when the excitement and the novelty have worn off. Even when it ain't fun.
49. They are multidimensional, amazing, wonderful complex creatures (as we all are). They realize that not only are they physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. They consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.
50. They practice what they preach. They don't talk about the theory, they live the reality.
Craig Harper is Australia's leading motivational speaker
1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.
2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.
3. They are solution focused.
4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will
find them.
5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.
6. They ask the right questions - the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.
7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.
8. They don't blame (what's the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).
9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximize their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.
10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.
11. They align themselves with like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team. They create win-win relationships.
12. They are ambitious; they want amazing - and why shouldn't they? They consciously choose to live their best life rather than spending it on auto-pilot.
13. They have clarity and certainty about what they want (and don't want) for their life. They actually visualize and plan their best reality while others are merely spectators of life.
14. They innovate rather than imitate.
15. They don't procrastinate and they don't spend their life waiting for the 'right time'.
16. They are life-long learners. They constantly work at educating themselves, either formally (academically), informally (watching, listening, asking, reading, student of life) or experientially (doing, trying)... or all three.
17. They are glass half full people - while still being practical and down-to-earth. They have an ability to find the good.
18. They consistently do what they need to do, irrespective of how they are feeling on a given day. They don't spend their life stopping and starting.
19. They take calculated risks - financial, emotional, professional, psychological.
20. They deal with problems and challenges quickly and effectively, they don't put their head in the sand. They face their challenges and use them to improve themselves.
21. They don't believe in, or wait for fate, destiny, chance or luck to determine or shape their future. They believe in, and are committed to actively and consciously creating their own best life.
22. While many people are reactive, they are proactive. They take action before they have to.
23. They are more effective than most at managing their emotions. They feel like we all do but they are not slaves to their emotions.
24. They are good communicators and they consciously work at it.
25. They have a plan for their life and they work methodically at turning that plan into a reality. Their life is not a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes.
26. Their desire to be exceptional means that they typically do things that most won't. They become exceptional by choice. We're all faced with live-shaping decisions almost daily. Successful people make the decisions that most won't and don't.
27. While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.
28. They have identified their core values (what is important to them) and they do their best to live a life which is reflective of those values.
29. They have balance. While they may be financially successful, they know that the terms money and success are not interchangeable. They understand that people who are successful on a financial level only, are not successful at all. Unfortunately we live in a society which teaches that money equals success. Like many other things, money is a tool. It's certainly not a bad thing but ultimately, it's just another resource. Unfortunately, too many people worship it.
30. They understand the importance of discipline and self-control. They are strong. They are happy to take the road less travelled.
31. They are secure. They do not derive their sense of worth of self from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.
32. They are generous and kind. They take pleasure in helping others achieve.
33. They are humble and they are happy to admit mistakes and to apologize. They are confident in their ability, but not arrogant. They are happy to learn from others. They are happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.
34. They are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.
35. They keep themselves in shape physically, not to be mistaken with training for the Olympics or being obsessed with their body. They understand the importance of being physically well. They are not all about looks, they are more concerned with function and health. Their body is not who they are, it's where they live.
36. They have a big engine. They work hard and are not lazy.
37. They are resilient. When most would throw in the towel, they're just warming up.
38. They are open to, and more likely to act upon, feedback.
39. They don't hang out with toxic people.
40. They don't invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.
41. They are happy to swim against the tide, to do what most won't. They are not people p leasers and they don't need constant approval.
42. They are more comfortable with their own company than most.
43. They set higher standards for themselves (a choice we can all make), which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.
44. They don't rationalize failure. While many are talking about their age, their sore back, their lack of time, their poor genetics, their 'bad luck', their nasty boss and their lack of opportunities (all good reasons to fail), they are finding a way to succeed despite all their challenges.
45. They have an off switch. They know how to relax, enjoy what they have in their life and to have fun.
46. Their career is not their identity, it's their job. It's not who they are, it's what they do.
47. They are more interested in effective than they are in easy. While the majority look for the quickest, easiest way (the shortcut), they look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.
48. They finish what they start. While so many spend their life starting things that they never finish, successful people get the job done - even when the excitement and the novelty have worn off. Even when it ain't fun.
49. They are multidimensional, amazing, wonderful complex creatures (as we all are). They realize that not only are they physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. They consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.
50. They practice what they preach. They don't talk about the theory, they live the reality.
Craig Harper is Australia's leading motivational speaker
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